Y’all, it’s about that time….Oscar time. My favorite time of the year. Although sad that I didn’t see any of the Best Picture Nominations this year. It’s called, like having a kid and watching Pixar films. Whatever, don’t hate. I love me some cartoon movies. But I digress. Here…we…go.
8.37pm- “We saw your boobs.” Seth McFarlane is singing…about boobs we’ve seen…complete with dancing. Awesome.
8.39pm-CHAY TATES IS DANCING. CHAY TATES IS DANCING. What can’t this man do?!? Why does he have clothes on?!?!
8.41pm-Reenactment of Flight with Sock Puppets. Yes, please.
8.42pm. JGL and Harry Potter. Singing and dancing. I love them both.
8.43pm-Seth McFarlane, mediocre host. Says future headline.
8.44pm-Singing Nun with Sally Field…and Seth McFarlane. Making out. Making THE Fuck out. I don’t even.
845pm-Octavia Spencer. I don’t even know what category this is. Her dress is nice. OMG, Robbie D is nominated. Is this the Best Supporting Actor? Yes, yes it is!
8.50pm-Who the fuck won? It’s Christoph Waltz, that’s who. I am sorry Robbie D. I still love you.
Okay, and we’re back.
8.55pm-Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy- “Where’s Paul Rudd? I don’t know.” Animated Film? Animated Short Film. Animated Short Film. PAPERMANNNNNNNNNNNN. Best short evar.
8.59pm WRECK IT RALPH WAS ROBBED. UGH. I mean Brave was good, but it was no Wreck It Ralph.
9.01pm- Is it me, or are they running through these categories quite quickly? *looks at the time* Oh my god, I’m missing The Walking Dead. Daryl. But we’re up on the Best Picture Categories. This Life of Pi movie looks beautiful, but it’s putting me to damn sleep. *Snores* Oh wait, they were just showing the NOMINEES. The nominees.
9.05pm- Thekrjnd,.manrjeanga,d. Er, The Avengers. JKIngdgna,md.nhgueirn. Hawkeye. Tony Stark. Samuel L. Mothafukkin Jackson. Tlkmm;sirtuernl;eak;jd,smr/. So just lost my mind. UGH. LIFE OF PI. UGH. Skyfall was robbed. ROBBED. What category was this? I was blinded by The Avengers. Visual Editing? Uh..LIFE OF PI AGAIN?!?! It would be different if it was about actual PIE. Then I would love it. Dude got played off by the Jaws music. AWESOME. No one wants to hear your crap.
Sometime later, that’s before 9.15pm. We’re on a commercial break. I had to wipe the drool from my mouth. I love The Avengers.
9.16pm-Chay Tates..and the FIRST Mrs. Brad Pitt. Costume Design. Achievement for Costume Design. If Snow White wins, I will bite my tongue. Thank you, Sweet Peppery Jesus. Anna Karenina.
9.19pm-Makeup and Hairstyling. LES MIS for the win. Lady’s gotta walk from the box. Whoa, that was fast. It was like she had a DeLorian to get to the stage.
9.21pm- Halle Berry. Seth’s favorite Bond Girl. My favorite Bond Girl. I love her hair. I am going to try that to my hair. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY. I LIKED CATWOMAN. DON’T YOU JUDGE ME. EVER. Tribute to all things Bond. *sighs* James Bond. Favorite Bond Songs? View to A Kill, Skyfall, Goldfinger, and Live and Let Die.
9.26pm-Sings along with Goldfinger. Well, pulls a Britney Spears and lip syncs that shiz.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention….that this is being held in the former Kodak Theatre. Now it’s the Dolby Theatre. Just thought you might want to know. Plus it’s commercial time.
9.33pm Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx.
Best Something Live Action Short Film. Curfew. Talk fasst. Faster. Not fast enough. You’re boring me. Moving on.
9.37pm- Documentary Short Film just made me snore. Loudly.
I am trying to catch up, because I totally rewound the DVR.
9.38pm-Why have I not seen Argo? OH. I DO NOT LIKE BEN AFFLECK. Oh why have I not seen any of these movies? WAR.SLAVES. BEN AFFLECK. UGH.
9.41. “The man who REALLY got inside of Lincoln’s head? John Wilkes Booth.”
9.42pm- Ben Affleck. UGH. Best Documentary Film. Searching for Sugar Man. PLAY THE JAWS….YESSSSSSSSSS. You read my brainwaves…
Commercial Break time.
9.49-Jessica and Jennifer. Best FOREIGN film? Yes. Foreign Language Film.
AMOR. Amour. It looks good.
9.52pm- John Travolta. Catherine Zeta Jones? Chicago? DED. Lip Synching like Beyonce. I went there.
9.57pm- I AM TELLING YOU I AM NOT GOING. NOT GOING. I LOVE YOU J. HUD. NOT GOING. Still lip synching like Beyonce.
10.00pm-WOLVERINE. I tried to stalk him one time. It didn’t work. What is that on his chin? WHERE IS COLM WILKENSON. The Original JEAN VALJEAN. Cast of the Movie Les Mis. Not the PBS version. I LOVE the PBS version. ONE DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
10.08pm-STAR TREK LIKE A MOTHAFUKKA. Blah blah blah…something.
10.11pm-TED. I honestly loved that movie. Les Mis? Best sound mixing. Skyfall better win something. SOMETHING. Sound mixing goes to…A TIE. Zero Dark Thirty. SKYFALL. Awesomesauce. Now they have to battle it out for the death.
10.18pm-Something about Captain VonTrapp. OH CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, HAI. Best Supporting Actress? ANNE HATHAWAY. HOLLA. “It came true.” She is a damn peach.
10.28pm-Back from Commercial Break. I heard Indiana Jones music, head snapped up. Only the Oscars President. Or something. Whatever. Play the Jaws Music.
10.31pm-Sandra Bullock presents film editing. You know, this would be about an hour if they only did the important categories. Just sayin. ARGO won that shiz. [Insert sarcastic tone here.] Yay.
10.34pm- Adele. ADELE. AAAAAAAAADELE. Tonya Hurley tweeted it the best: “No tweeting during Adele.” Now I have this urge to watch Skyfall after this.
Commercial Break. I need to collect my feels.
10.45pm-Austrialia’s Favorite Living Mannequin, Nicole Kidman.
10.48pm-Kristen Stewart looks like she just woke up and someone jammed her into a dress. Girl, next year, stay your ass home. No one wants to see you, you Trampire. Something about Lincoln. I was ranting and
raving about the Trampire.
10.52pm- Salma Hayek is on….errrybody hush. I need to know what she is saying. Something about nominees. I see the K from Dreamworks SKG and D.A. Panebaker. I don’t know what this is for. Honestly. I am still angry that they let K-Stew out from Skid Row.
Shit the Twits have been saying about the whole debacle:
10.57pm- MY FAVORITE PART. THE DEADS. OHMYGHOUL, THE DEADS.
11.01pm-BABS. Memories. Kill me. I’m dead. The Way We Were. Best ever. Shaddup. I like me some Babs, okeh?!?!
This is a good time for a commercial. What the fuck, ABC, you cancelled Last Resort for some high diving bullshit? *Slow Claps*
11.08pm-10 years since Chicago was a movie? Get the fuck outta here. I love that Musical. Not as much as Rent or Les Mis, but still up there. Plus, it doesn’t make me cry like Miss Saigon. Best Original Score time. UGH. Life of Damn Pi. UGH. UGH. Skyfall best win Best Original Song…whenever it comes along.
This Life of Pi shit is killing me. What song is Norah Jones singing? I turned away for like three seconds. Maybe I’m still hung up on K-Stew’s look, I don’t know. What just happened?!?!
SKYFALL. SKY-MOTHERFUKKING-FALL. [Aside: I guess we were doing Best Original Song. End of Aside.] Aw, Adele behbeh in tears. Awww. You rock.
11.22pm-”It’s getting late.” No SHIT. I’m getting grumpy. Also, I didn’t know that Dustin Hoffman was so short. Or Charlize is an Amazon. I don’t know what category this is, but Argo won again. Best Adapted Screenplay,I guess. Whatever. They are presenting another-TARANTINOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. For the win. FOR THE WIN. Apparently him and Charlize are neighbors. Nice. ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY…Peace Out…complete with a peace sign.
11.32pm- “Cocaine trees as far as the eyes can see…”
11.33pm-Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas. Both FREAKING amazing. Love them. Best Director Award.UGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Life of WHY…
Thank you for summing up how I feel right now, as we head to commercial break.
11.40pm-Jean Dujardin. Just read the freaking phone book to me. Please. I beg of you. Now I want to watch The Artist. After Skyfall. Best Actress. I hope that 9 year old wins. My typing is getting horrible. OH SHIT SON, Jennifer Lawrence. Kudos. Apparently, she fell. I was too busy having my face in 4 monitors. Yo’ Mama. Don’t judge.
11.45pm-Queen Meryl. Lead Actor time. I think DDL is going to get it. But it’s that slim chance that the Coop’s ganna get it. WAIT. WOLVERINE IS NOMINATED?!?!? Ugh, such choices. Minus Joaquin Phoenix. I knew him when he was Leaf, hanging out with his brother River. Well, not personally. But it’s like saying I knew Drake when he was Jimmy on Degrassi. WILL THESE OSCARS EVER END?!?!
11.48pm-DDL Wins Best Actor. OMGOSH. I need to put him on my list of people to read various things to me. I think he gets the dictionary. So, does that mean DDL’s wife slept with Lincoln? Oh, cos that is just wicked gross.
11.52pm-Jack Nicholson. Still weird. We’re at the White House. I want that dress. I want Michelle Obama to be my mom. She’s kind of cool. Best Movie Time. I am at the point where I DGAF who wins, my eyeballs are tired.
FUCK AN ARGO. That is all. Can this dude stop talking. He’s making me want to Hulk Smash things. Stupid speech, making me want to see this damned movie. I hate myself for that.
That’s how I feel.
That’s it. See you in 2014. Peace Out.